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From Tragedy to Triumph: A Firefighter's Journey of Mental Health Advocacy, Grief, and Resilience
Can personal tragedy be a catalyst for profound transformation? Join us as we sit down with Rick Cheatham, a retired Anaheim Fire Captain, who bravely opens up about his journey through the fire service and his unwavering advocacy for firefighter mental health. With over 30 years of experience, Rick shares his significant contributions as union president and his collaboration with Counseling Team International (CTI) to ensure mental health support for his colleagues. His dedication to mental wellness in the fire service is a poignant reminder of the critical need for these provisions.
Rick's story takes an emotional turn as he recounts the devastating loss of his son, Michael, just days before Christmas in 2013. He candidly discusses the immense grief, the challenges it posed to his marriage, and the struggle to balance personal tragedy with the demands of his career. Through commitment, mentorship, and the support of a compassionate community, Rick found the strength to navigate this painful journey. His experience highlights the importance of properly addressing grief and the vital role of community support in overcoming life's toughest adversities.
From a paralyzing injury to a transformative relationship with faith, Rick's journey is a testament to resilience and the power of a positive mindset. With the unwavering support of his wife and a renewed spiritual foundation, Rick defied expectations by walking out of the hospital. He shares insights on breaking the cycle of victimhood, the healing power of forgiveness, and finding purpose through pain. Tune in to hear Rick's inspirational story of faith, resilience, and the profound impact of living a purpose-driven life.
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Hello everyone, welcome back to let's Go Podcast. I have a great guest for you today, rick Cheatham. He is a retired Anaheim Fire Captain and is all about firefighter mental health and just mental health for everyone overall, and so many other things that we're going to talk about. But before we get started, if you can, please like and subscribe, go to YouTube, like, subscribe everything from Instagram, facebook we're on all of them. You could share post. We'd really appreciate it and, without further ado, we're going to bring in Rick right now. Hey, rick, what's up? My guy.
Speaker 2:How you doing. Good to be here, good to see you, my friend.
Speaker 1:Good to see you too, dude. Thanks for taking the time to come on. I know this has been something we've been talking about for a while, and the great part is another retired fire engineer. Right, I think it was Mike Gacy. Isn't he the one who kind of suggests you?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yeah. Mike Gacy is a friend of mine, retired out here from Cal Fire and now lives 45 minutes south of me here in Nashville.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's right, you guys are in Tennessee.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're in Tennessee.
Speaker 1:Hey, you made the right move.
Speaker 2:We got out, while the getting out was good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, hey, man, thank you so much for taking the time to come on my co-host, jordan, he's stuck at work and I was going to have another guy, john Vargas, from GrabLives Podcast, but everyone, as you know, we all have lives, marriages, things we've got to do. But we are going to get you on that other podcast, which is cool, because we do support what you're doing and we want to get you kind of out in your story, heard and and have support because we believe, okay, it's happening and what you're doing. So I'll have to say thanks for doing what you're doing, man, I appreciate it man.
Speaker 2:Thank you, appreciate you as well, my friend yeah, so hey, let's start this out.
Speaker 1:You are retired. How many years in the fire service did you do?
Speaker 2:well, I had 30 years overall, but 24 with the city of anaheim. Okay, I had six years of volunteer work before all that was going on with Riverside County, which at that time was CDF before it became CAL FIRE, as you know, but 24 years specifically with the city of Anaheim. I had some time with South Pasadena as an auxiliary for a short period of time, actually one year before I got hired with Anaheim.
Speaker 1:Oh wow, Is that South Pasadena? Are they one station?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's a one station town that is divided by a railroad track, and if you don't get on the other side of that track when a call comes in, you could be you could be stranded for a bit. Yeah, very small little town. Beautiful city, though, just a beautiful little town.
Speaker 1:Awesome. And now at Anaheim, you climbed through the ranks. You were a firefighter. Did you go to? Were you a firefighter medic and an engineer captain?
Speaker 2:No, I went. I came in as a firefighter, non-medic uh, back in the days when they hired guys like that, um and then ended up promoting the captain and became the Union president, and that's as far as I climbed was my role as a captain and Union president.
Speaker 1:I guess he skipped engineer the driver yeah, I skipped engineer.
Speaker 2:I came on a little bit later than life. Uh. So when I got on the fire service I was 30, 34, okay, okay, by the time I got on I had already. I was already behind the eight ball a little bit. So I just skipped over the driver rank and went to captain as soon as I was able to.
Speaker 1:I got to be real with you, Rick. I promoted to engineer.
Speaker 2:now I've been in that position for some years. I love it. Oh, it's the best. Actually, it's the best position in the firehouse. Every engineer I ever worked with that's what they told me.
Speaker 1:I know I got asked the other day. I was working at a different station over time and the chief is a real good friend of mine, tony Espinosa. He's close to retirement and he's like, hey, fish, what's going on? When are you going to promote to captain? And I was kind of like you're talking to the right guy, I'm happy dude. All I got to do is come to work. We got air in the tires, water in the tank, there's oil.
Speaker 2:Where am I going where's my water supply? Yep, it's an island. Yeah, it's an island.
Speaker 1:You're on an island all by yourself, and nobody messes with you yeah, come to the crew to mess with you.
Speaker 2:They come to the captain, so the captain takes the heat yes and it's usually the fireman in the back back seat that it all rolls down to. They go right past you, man yeah, I, yeah, I saw everyone.
Speaker 1:It's a beautiful thing. We'll see Eventually, I don't know. But so you're very much involved with first should I say firefighter mental health or first responder mental health.
Speaker 2:Both, but specifically the firefighter side of it. When I was union president, that was, of course, one of the big, major issues that we were all dealing with is our mental health, and once I was in the union we arbitrated for our members to have the mental health component into our contract and we ended up securing CTI as our counseling team and the rest is history. I mean, we've got that's, see I counseling team international okay.
Speaker 1:CTI perfect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we ended up contracting with them on and it allowed our guys to get the mental health provisions and and treatment and help that they needed if they decided to take advantage of it.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, and that's something ever since you retired. Are you still working with CTR? Are you with other companies as well?
Speaker 2:No, no, I haven't worked with any of the mental health agencies in the fire service since I retired. I retired before years this service since I retired. I retired before years this November since I retired. But there's a lot to why that is. I mean, I came out here and retired and I'll get into that story as it unfolds but five months after I retired I fell and broke my neck. So I've been dealing with the. I've been dealing with the uh, the trauma of a broken neck at c4 and five for the last three years, and that's four apart, c4 and five. Yeah, c4 and five.
Speaker 2:Keep the diaphragm alive, yeah yeah, that's what I'm saying, like yo, you're alive yeah, I'm uh, I'm very fortunate to be alive and of that it's why I do what I do today.
Speaker 2:And you know, as we get into this, this podcast, you'll hear the story as to what transpired, how it happened, what that 10 year window looked like for me, from from my early 50s to my late 50 50s, and how I navigated my way out of that. And then, of course, as a result of that is why I do what I do with men today and why I help them overcome whatever trial they have coming in their lives to the space that we all have it right. I mean, we all face trauma, we all face tragedy, we, you know, a degree of challenge and adversity in our lives. That will get us to focus in on one of two things. We'll either focus in on the negative loop or we're focusing on the positive loop, and it's the result of. Where we end up is where I come in today and I start helping men get back into a positive loop system, as opposed to being focused in on the negative, which is so easy to do. When you've had trauma hit you, it's easy to get stuck in the negative loop of trauma.
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness, you know what? Yeah, it was. That was something for me years ago. That was real tough for me to dig myself out of for a while. And I finally I remember just, you know, essentially, essentially raising my hand, just being like I need help. Yeah, I, I don't like I'm losing control of my life. You know, I I couldn't understand how I could go to work and help other people and work as a medic, fight fires, do all this stuff. But when I came home, I, I was helpless. It just blew my mind. I'm like, dude, what is going on here? I can't even help myself. Something's wrong. And that's for me where Counseling Team International came in and it was a huge help my department, they offered to us for free which is fantastic and I've gotten I don't know, I would say roughly eight to 10 other firefighters to go to seek out help with them, give them a call, and each of them have all said they were very happy that they did that.
Speaker 2:It was a huge help for them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a huge advocate to have in your corner the mental health component to what we do. And we, like you said, it's easy. It's easy to go to work and deal with the problems that other people have. We've become, we're very professional, we know what we need to do, we know how to do it, we know when to do it, we know why we're doing it. So we focus in on other people's trauma, other people's tragedies, the worst days of their lives, and we do it with such professionalism that we don't even put ourselves in the place where that could even happen to us. We're the ones, we're the fixers.
Speaker 2:People used to ask me what do you do for a living? And I used to, tongue in cheek, say I solve problems. That's what firemen do. I mean, that's what we do, firefighters. What do you do for a living? I solve problems. I solve people's problems, and it's you know. You can solve other people's problems, but then all of a sudden you get hit with your own and that's where you determine real quick the ability you have to solve other people's problems, uh, is only superficial if you don't know how to solve your own first yeah, yeah it's uh.
Speaker 2:A lot of the trauma we deal with is that we've become so accustomed to helping other people that we don't even know how to help ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a really weird feeling, you know, and it's hard to. It's hard to explain, really. At times I remember talking to therapists. I'm like I feel like I'm losing my mind here because I can't explain it to people, normal civilians in my family and friends who aren't in the fire service or police or, let's say, even military. It's really hard to explain that to them.
Speaker 1:It's hard to explain what we see and how what you see gets embedded in your head and a lot of times it gets it gets put uh, it comes out in other things because I suppress it so long, and it would come out in my relationship and it's like, oh my gosh, like why am I lashing out right now? Why am I acting ridiculous and having trouble sleeping? And that's why what you're doing, man, like hats off to you, brother I mean most people when they retire, especially firemen like we're gone right, we're gonna go do our own thing right well, you know what that's.
Speaker 2:Uh, that was kind of my mentality, I mean. Uh, I mean I started off. My journey into the fire service was one that should have never even taken place. There was no way I should have ever been a fireman. I was too white, I was too male, I was too old and affirmative action was kicking my butt in the early 90s, late 80s. I mean.
Speaker 2:Affirmative action was just keeping me down and there was no way for me to overcome those three character issues of myself. I mean, I wasn't going to change the color of my skin, I wasn't going to change my maleness, and I was as old as I was. There was nothing I could do about it. So I was told it was impossible, don't even try. And because of that I developed a sense of what we call the power of commitment. When somebody understands the power of commitment, they are motivated by results rather than by rhetoric. So when someone tells me I can't do something or I can't be a fireman because of those other qualifications that are interfering, the power of commitment looks past the rhetoric and says well, the result is this. So I'm going to do everything, I'm going to become aware, I'm going to become intentional and I'm going to change my mindset to become what it is that I'm committed to becoming. And back then it was becoming a fireman. So 27 rejection letters and six years later, wham, I was hired by the. You know I'm not going to throw you guys under the bus over there in the county at all, but in my mind, anaheim is the best fire department to work for in the state of California. So I was fortunate to have the best fire department in the state of California hire me and for that they got my allegiance, they got my loyalty, they got 100% of who I was. And some people say that my career was spent useful and others might say I was a pain in their butt, and I was a pain in the butt for those who needed me to be a pain in the butt to them for. But it worked for me and my focus was always on on helping other people. So I ended up having a beautiful career 24 years with the city of Anaheim, and I don't have any regrets. I have none whatsoever. However, into my career, I ended up losing my son. So here I am.
Speaker 2:I'm uh, this was in 19 or, I'm sorry, 2013. I got the, the notification I've got, I got got the knock on the door that every parent fears. That knock on the door came seven days before Christmas. So I mean, just imagine, you've got your Christmas trees up, You've got the house decorated, you've got this festive scene going on decorated, you've got this, this festive scene going on, and you're seven days away from you know, what we as kids always anticipated, what we always look forward to, that was probably the most exciting morning of every kid's life was waking up first this morning and finding out what santa left us right. So here we are, we're in this kind of uh, you know this festive mindset and, uh, you know, two, three o'clock in the morning, we get this, this knock at the door and it was the riverside county sheriff's office saying that, asking us if we were the parents of michael cheatham, and uh, that would that.
Speaker 2:That conversation that night changed me forever. It. It changed my life in a way that I can't even put into words, but you know, nonetheless, I got this gut-wrenching news that my son was killed. And you know, when you think about it, it may not be the notice that you've lost a child, but every single one of us, we all, get a notice at time or two that completely changes the course of our life. We get that notice that you know our parents have died, or you know a divorce notice, or you know a breakup notice, or a lost job notice, a pink slip, whatever. We're always faced with something that can give us cause to just step back and take a second look. And you know, statistically speaking, when you lose a child, most marriages don't even they're not able to navigate through that trauma.
Speaker 2:And so my wife and I, having navigated a trauma earlier in our marriage we've been married 38 years. Now, 10 years into our marriage, my wife told me I hate you, I hate God, I hate the church, I quit. And she was walking out the door with my two babies, my two boys, and someone else was going to be raising my family, and that's because of where I had allowed my life to get, in my marriage and in my addiction. And all during that time when I was navigating through that, I was also trying to become a fireman. So I had, you know, trying to live a life of becoming a fireman while you were struggling with an addiction and while you're struggling to put your marriage back together and while you've got two small boys. That's enough to put a lot of pressure on anybody.
Speaker 2:And I was able to use the skills that I was taught through the power of commitment to navigate that scenario with my wife and fortunately we found a couple that were able to walk us through that and became our mentors. And you know, I say that because all of us struggle and it's who you place yourself around when you struggle as to how successful you will be when you navigate that struggle. So I had to find myself a coach, I had to find myself a mentor. I had to find myself somebody who had already gone through what I'd gone through and walk me through it. And that's what I was able to do with marriage. Well, now you fast forward years later and I'm dealing with the loss of my son, and that one kicked me in the gut. That was a gut check that I wasn't prepared for in the real sense of the meaning what happens when you lose a child.
Speaker 2:So anyway, I started to do what I did best is I poured myself into work. I just surrounded myself with a bunch of other firefighters. I surrounded myself, you know, doing union business, doing the work for our brotherhood, navigating some of the most difficult times Anaheim Fire had ever faced with, the first time ever voted no confidence on a fire chief that had never happened in our history, confidence on a fire chief that would never happen in our history. And as we're navigating through all that, it took me away from having to deal with a lot of the grief myself. So when, when Michael was killed, I knew right off the bat that I was going to be thrown into a crucible of life that was going to test me at every aspect of who I was as a man, as a father, as a husband, as a firefighter, as a captain I mean, every ounce of who I had built myself into being was going to be challenged and tested, and it certainly was that. It was a challenge, and as I was going through this process, I just remember thinking to myself how am I ever going to be the man that I once was without my son, without my oldest, without the guy who you know taught me how to be a parent, taught me how to be a father, and now here he is, brutally murdered at the age of 23. And my life just stops, and I had to figure out where I was going, and so for me, being busy was a good answer. You know, we did get involved with the grief community. We did do counseling sessions, we did navigate through with other people who had lost their children, so we had a good sense of a foundation on how to navigate it.
Speaker 2:But when you pour yourself into work you don't always grieve properly. And that's what I did. I threw myself into work and drowned out that grief, I anesthetized myself with just work, and you know how easy that is to do. When in today's fire service, when staffing levels are at an all time low, call volumes at an all time high. So you go in for a 24 hour shift. You may be there for three, four or five days, you don't know. You get the mandatory call and you might not get to go home and see your family and so my family's grieving and meanwhile I'm dealing with. You know my work schedule, my workload, and then on top of that, the union business, which is a that's like taking on a second career in and of itself. Yes, it really is. It really is. You put a lot at risk when you join the union and you put more at risk when you become an officer of that union. So those types of things were coming up for me.
Speaker 2:But I just kept my nose to the grindstone. I kept focused. I knew I had to plow through the difficulties we were faced with as an organization and unfortunately, I think for me, it was my family that was suffering the most because dad was pouring into work. So I wasn't pouring into my surviving son, kyle, I wasn't pouring into my surviving daughter, tori, I wasn't pouring in as much to my wife, kelly, and you know I was more concerned with making sure my wife was able to navigate it than anything else. And so, between pouring into just Kelly and work, I kind of watched my kids suffer a bit and it was in that suffering that I went from being able to forgive the guy that murdered my son to.
Speaker 2:I started to build up a resentment and a bitterness and an anger towards him because I saw what it was doing to my kids. And when I saw what was happening to them, my son Kyle, who was 21 at the time and you know he's just entering into adulthood and his best friend was just brutally taken from him, the, the, the person he'd had in his corner his entire life. And then looking at my daughter, who had just turned 13 and she's just becoming, you know, just entering into her puberty, and now she's dealing with that trauma. So what I saw happening to them caused me to just become more angry, more bitter, more resentful, and it turned into a justified resentment. I was justified to hold on to that anger. I was justified in my mind to hold on to the resentment. I was justified to hold on to that anger. I was justified in my mind to hold on to the resentment.
Speaker 2:And as that anger started to build up within me over time, I found myself in Colorado, at my daughter's house here in about three years ago a little over three years ago, when I've retired to Anaheim, or retired from Anaheim to Nashville, my daughter decided to move out of California as well. So she moved to Denver and it was right about that same time that she moved in next door to a guy that, or a guy moved in next door to her and he became like this stalker type and so he was starting to do weird things. And so here I am, you know, a thousand miles away, and I'm hearing my daughter tell me some of the stuff her next door neighbor's doing and saying, and I'm getting more and more angry because, you know, I was victimized once by somebody taking my son. And now I've got this guy who's a thousand miles away from I am and he's doing these things to my daughter, saying these things, and so I start to build that resentment up. Well, long story short, we end up going out there to help her get settled in and this guy makes a move on my son and starts talking to him and starts chirping and before I know it, him and my wife are in a conversation and they're chirping each other.
Speaker 2:So I get the mess. My wife yells down hey, got to get up here, this guy's going off on Kyle. So I run upstairs and at that point my mind is in a place where every bit of that anger and resentment and bitterness that I had built up over the course of the last seven years, with the death of my son, was now coming out in a one-time engagement with a guy that was trying to victimize my daughter. And, as it turns out, this guy, he went there with a purpose and when I showed up, you know, went there with a purpose and when I showed up, you know, and aggressively pursued him. Um, and I mean when I say aggressively with my, with my tone of voice and with my body language, you know all of it, yeah he ends up pulling a nine millimeter on me.
Speaker 2:And so I figured at that point you better, you better have the courage to use it. And of course he didn't. So I just charged him and he ran downstairs. But when he ran downstairs he racked around, turned around and pointed at me and I said you've, you haven't got the courage to pull the trigger. Man, you're, you're a bully. You do this with ladies. Let's see what you do with a man that's twice your age. Let's see how you handle me. And you know, of course he didn't pull the trigger. Obviously I'm here.
Speaker 2:But it caused me to do a little bit of reflection, that my anger had got to the place, that it was unresolved, and because of that unresolved anger I put my family in a very risky position, where now they're looking at their father that could quite possibly be killed at the hand of a crazy lunatic who decides to pull a gun on him. And, uh, it just gave me a sense of responsibility to take a look at things. Well, now I go home and a month later you know, five months after retirement I fall and break my neck at C4 and five. So that's the window, starting my fifties with the death of my son ending my fifties with a gun being pulled on me and a broken neck at C4 and C5. And when things like that happen, it's real easy to reflect on life happening to you. Why is this happening to me? Why me? This is so unfair. I just retired and after all the years of putting into my pension and dealing with the trauma that life brings other people and us responding to them, now I'm sitting in a situation where I'm paralyzed from the chest down, don't know if I'm ever going to walk again, don't know if I'll ever have the use of my hands again, and the thoughts of why me? The thoughts of this isn't fair, the thoughts of how am I going to function the rest of my life like this, and it caused me to start asking all those questions. And those questions were designed to keep me stuck. Why me? Why, instead of what can I accomplish now that I'm here to make it a better place for me and my family? Those kinds of questions don't enter in our purview when we're suffering with pain and suffering, the loss of my body.
Speaker 2:Mechanics caused me to really reflect on some things. And so what happened with me in that situation is my wife, who is a ICU nurse, or was at the time. My wife, who's a nurse, was able to create an environment for me in the hospital. So for two and a half months I'm going through inpatient rehab. She created this environment where I had relaxing music, healing music, meditation music playing almost 24-7 in my hospital room. She had essential oils and so I was smelling good and she had essential oils and so I had. I was smelling good, you smell good, you're going to be good. So I had, I had essential oils. So she made sure that my environment was taken care of. She made sure that all my needs were taken care of. So she was pretty much my frontline nurse, even though I had a nursing staff taking care of me. My wife was my nurse while I was doing all this.
Speaker 2:So I had the environment set up to where, if I put my mind to it, the environment was right that I could overcome it. And so I poured back into that same mindset of when I was trying to become a fireman you can't do it, you'll never be able to accomplish that. Your affirmative action will never allow it to happen. And so that mindset came in when I was in the hospital of okay, how am I going to get out of here? How am I going to walk out of here? What's that going to look like? What is that going to take? What kind of treatment am I going to need?
Speaker 2:And so my physical therapist came in and we developed this game plan. She says what do you want to accomplish? And I said I want to walk out of here, I don't care what it takes, I want to walk out of this hospital. And she says well, your mind's in the right spot. Now let's just see if we can get your body there. And so we went to work and for the next two and a half months we put in the work to accomplish what my mind had already said I was going to accomplish, which was to walk out of there. And in two and a half months I literally walked out of the hospital without the use of a cane. Two and a half months, two and a half months, two and a half months.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh Rick, that is amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was, I tell you. You talk about motivation. You talk about overcoming a challenge. You talk about the victory and the excitement that happens to you when you get there and you're able to accomplish it. The only thing I can attest or I can connect it to is, like you know, when we were all striving to become firefighters, we knew what kind of work that was, we knew what kind of challenge that was and we all poured into it and sacrifices were made and the work began. And then, when we finally got sworn in for the first time, man, that feeling of pride, that feeling of victory, that feeling of accomplishment was enough to put it in our minds where we could use that over, and over and over again.
Speaker 2:Well, that's what it was like for me, coming out of this paralyzed state. Is that, even though I'm still numb from the chest down and I'm still using and learning to adapt to this new normal with how my body functions, I can walk and I can care for myself. I'm not an envelope. I don't need to be cared for 24-7 like a lot of people. We know that fall and break C4 and 5. That's what happens to them. They'll end up in a wheelchair for the rest of their life, some of them on a breathing tube.
Speaker 2:It's the same injury that Christopher Reeves had. So the difference between his and mine was his was a complete fracture, mine was an incomplete. So I had a little bit of a hope. I had a little bit more hope than he had at the time, and so walking out of that hospital put me in a mindset. Here's the problem with that tim is that if you don't put in the work on a continual basis, your mind will automatically revert back to where it feels normal and where it feels comfort and where it feels uh, and where it feels comfort and where it feels reality set in. So when I got back home, my mindset went right back to a victim.
Speaker 2:I was in a place where I can't do what I used to do. I was a USAR captain, I was a truck captain. I had values in me that were revolved around what I could do, how I would perform, and now all that's taken away. One of the reasons it was all taken away was because, in my mind, I felt that if I can't use my hands, I lost my identity. And when you lose your identity as a firefighter, when you lose your identity as a contractor which I was before I was a fireman and you lose that identity that your body has created for you and you're left to just think by yourself and you're alone, it starts to get a little troublesome and your mind can go to some dark places and you become victimized by your circumstances. Now, and that's what's what. That's what happened to me. You know, while I was in the hospital, the environment was created for me to be successful. My wife created that environment. Not only that, but I had uh, anaheim firefighters were coming out flying 2000 miles out to be by my bedside. So the entire time I was in the hospital, I had a revolving door of firefighters who were there to make sure that my needs were met, to make sure that things were going at home the way that I needed them to go. They were taking care of things around the house, so I had all this environment as I was preparing my way out of my injury.
Speaker 2:What I didn't have prepared for me is when everybody went home, when all my buddies went home, when my wife went back to work and and she's now I'm just by myself and my thoughts and my thoughts went back to you know, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why is it that I have to bury my son at 52, 51, I think, 51 or 2 and break my neck at 58, 59? Why is it? Why? Why do my 50s have to suck so much? Why? Why? This is not fair, god. Why are you doing this to me?
Speaker 2:And so life became something that happened to me, and so, as life happens to you, you start to look at life through a different lens, and so the way that I approach this now is that I had two ways of looking at things. I could look at things through a positive lens, or I could look at things through a negative lens, and when I looked at things through the negative lens, I became a victim. I became a victim of my circumstances, and so, because I was a victim of my circumstances, negative thoughts started coming up, thoughts like anger, bitterness, resentment, hostility, argumentation those are all negative things that would happen as a result. So the way I look at it is like this so we all know that life is just energy. We're just energy, that's all we are. Every thought we think is energy, every action is energy. We're just energy, that's all we are. Our every thought we think is energy, every action is energy, and so we've got all this energy that's circling around us all the time, and when that energy is in the form of thought, if it's negative energy, we're going to have a negative outcome.
Speaker 2:And so the way that our brain works, the way that our brain works, is that I have a thought come into my head, and then that thought creates an emotion, which then that emotion creates an experience in our head, and then, from that experience, we create a belief about it, and then, after that belief system is created, we then take an action, and then that action gives us an experience in return that validates that our thought was right. So for me, why is this happening to me? I must be wrong, I must be bad, I must be being punished. God must have something out against me. I don't know why it is that it's happened to me, but it's happening to me and the consequences suck. I hate it, I don't like it, and so that was my thought, and that thought created an experience of negativity, of emotional depletion, of anger, and as I thought more about that, I started to attract more negative experiences to me.
Speaker 2:I would go to the refrigerator and I would go and pick up a you know a carton of milk and I can't grab it with my hands and so I would drop milk and I'd spill milk all over the counter, I'd spill leftovers all over the floor, and I was having all these little experiences that justify poor me and why things weren't working for me, and that would then create that negative loop cycle, and that negative loop cycle would then validate that I am truly useless as a man. My identity is gone. I will never be the firefighter that I once was. I will never be the captain that I once was. I will never be the contractor that I once was. I will never use the hands like I once did. My body will never operate like it could, and so, because all that negativity kept cycling through, I ended up creating a system in my brain in the way that I thought that created a victim, and because I was a victim, everything was validating that for me. So I'd look at life and everything I looked at validated the fact that I was a victim, and in doing that I became more angry. So why do I say that? Why do I come back to this? Because I had to break that cycle. I had to break that mentality, and here's what I ended up having to do, having to do.
Speaker 2:As I was contemplating all the whys this was happening, it dawned on me that I had never really fully walked through the grief process of losing my son, and so I was having rebound trauma now. So now not only am I dealing with the trauma of a broken neck, I'm now dealing with the trauma of grief at the loss of a son. And so now I've got those two competing, those two compounding traumas affecting my life. And one of the things I realized real quick and going back and looking at my patterns and looking at my cycles, was this when my son was murdered, I realized that I was gonna have to overcome that experience through forgiving the person that did it, but forgiving the man that murdered your child. Those are easy words to say, but it's a difficult process to attain.
Speaker 2:And so, as I was going through this, after I broke my neck, and you're sitting there thinking and you're constantly in your own mind going why, why, why? I started to ask this question what is keeping me from being the man of God I need to be? What is keeping me from being who I'm supposed to be? Instead of why is this happening to me, I had to change the way I asked the question. We're only one question away from change, but you got to ask the right questions, and too often what we you got to ask the right questions, and too often what we do is we ask the questions that keep us stuck, like why is this happening to me? How come this happened to me? Why do they do this to me? This is not fair. Why is this not fair? And so, by asking the different questions of how or what I can do to change that situation, where it led me to this was what can I do to change this anger and this bitterness that's just eating me alive right now and causing me to want to anesthetize with whether it was drugs or alcohol or sex or whatever it is that we anesthetize ourselves with instead of going there and anesthetizing, what can I do to prevent myself from having that happen? And this is where I ended up.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, I looked at what happened with Mike, my oldest son, and the resentment that I was holding on to, and I realized that I had a poison that was running through my veins, similar to what you would experience when a snake bites you. You know, you get that venomous snake bites you and you get this poison running through your vein. Well, the snake's long gone After he bites. He's gone, he does what the snake does and it leaves, but it's the residual effect of that snake bite and the poison that murdered my son. And the poison was the resentment and the hostility and the anger and the bitterness that I held on to as a result of that.
Speaker 2:So what I had to do is I had to come to a place where I could literally remove all of that from within me, and there's only one way to do that and that's by forgiving the unforgivable. So it reminded me back to the days when, you know, I'm a very spiritual man and I remember hearing the stories of Jesus and as he hung on a cross, his words to the very people that murdered him. The words to the very people that crucified him were Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. And then it started to dawn on me how many times in my own life have I done things that I needed to be forgiven of and I wasn't. How did that feel? How did that make me respond? Or how about how many times that I had to have asked for forgiveness from my wife? You know, when I betrayed her, I betrayed her trust, and yet she forgave me. So here I am now, looking at life through that same lens of if I'm ever going to get over this hump, if I'm ever going to change that paradigm of how I think as a victim. I have to get to the place first where I can forgive myself for being a victim and forgive the person who I attributed my victim statute to, which is the man that murdered my son. So I ended up forgiving him, and once I let go of all of that venom, my life started to change, and it changed in a powerful way. Now I have the opportunity to help other men do the same.
Speaker 2:So my offer nowadays are, you know, for all men that are struggle with whatever they're going through in their life, whether that's through their PTSD as a result of their fire career, whether that's through decisions made and the conflict that's going on at home because staffing is so short and you're being mandatory, whether you feel victimized in any way, shape or form, it's going back and changing the way that we look at the problem and solve it. Rather than solve it through the negative loop cycle, we solve it through the positive loop cycle. And here's the positive loop cycle. The positive loop cycle is looking at it through the lens of faith and anticipation, whereas the negative is looking at it through the lens of doubt and anxiety. So if we're feeling doubtful, if we're feeling anxiety, that's because we're stuck in that fearful loop cycle, that negative loop cycle. And so I looked at it from the positive side.
Speaker 2:And here's what I started to see is that when I looked at my injury and I looked at the death of my son, and I was able to find the gift in it, I was able to find the benefit, if there is one, to change the way that I thought and looked at it. So now, when I looked at my son's death. Instead of it happening to me, I looked at okay, how can his death change me in a way that will allow me to be a gift to other people? How can his death now impact me in a way to where I can have impact on other people in a positive way? How can his murder affect me in a way that I can help other people overcome anything they have going in on or on in their lives? And that mind shift and that mind positioning in and of itself puts you in a faithful outlook, in a anticipatory outlook. It gets you looking in the future with a positive outlook. And because you're doing that now, you start to attract positive outcomes. You start to attract a more useful positioning in your life. You start to look at life not at through the lens of a victim but through the lens of being victorious. So when you can start to shift your mindset, you go from being a victim to being victorious then everything that you do in life starts to have the return of being victorious rather than being victimized.
Speaker 2:So, starting that with Mike's death, I became victorious over Mike's death because I was able to forgive the unforgivable, the guy that took his life. I was able to set him free of my own internal negative paradigm that kept me stuck, kept me stuck in my grief, it kept me stuck in my problems. It kept me stuck in my relationships of anger and doubt. And once I was able to break free of that and see the gift in it, all things started to crumble beneath my feet that were once a barrier and I could actually see clearly and go oh, this is why that happened. So Michael's death set me free, and here's how it set me free. Number one he gave me purpose to live for.
Speaker 2:One of the greatest benefits that I have found as a grieving parent has been giving life back to my son by honoring him and the life he didn't get to live. So now my purpose is to honor my son in the life that he didn't get to live. So how am I is to honor my son in the life that he didn't get to live. So how am I going to honor him? Am I going to honor him by being a victim of my circumstance, or am I going to honor him by being victorious over my circumstance? And I've chosen to be victorious over the circumstance. So now that when I look at my son's death. I look at it through the lens of me being victorious over that, so that I could help other people navigate their own grief, their own trauma, their own trials, their own tribulations, their own problems, their own adversities.
Speaker 2:And just think about this who here that's listening to this podcast, has never experienced trauma, trial tribulation? Who here has never experienced trauma trial tribulation? Who here has never experienced the type of grief that is a gut-wrenching kick in the gut, to where it just freezes you in your tracks? See, not everybody's had to deal with it from the loss of a son, but I guarantee you you've had the grief. From the loss of a career, the loss of a son, but I guarantee you you've had the grief from the loss of a career, the loss of a promotion, the loss of a relationship, wherever that is, we all are faced with. It's the same questions that we ask to get the same result. It's just the circumstances are always changing. They're always different. Mine was the murder of my son. Yours might be the loss of a relationship that you once held dear. Yours might be, you know, whatever else I already mentioned. You know it could be anything.
Speaker 2:And as we learn to navigate that, we end up navigating life through one of two lenses either the fear or the faith. And I have chosen to take faith over fear every time now. And so now I anticipate whatever problem I have, I already anticipate that it's already solved. I just got to start asking the right questions and I've got to get myself with the right coaching and the right mentors so that we can navigate it together, and the right mentors so that we can navigate it together. And as we start to see things unfold, we see other options and other opportunities. And then we start to make those little mind shifts, those little changes that, before you know it, it doesn't matter what kind of victim you were. Victory runs in your vein and you could overcome it with just one small different choice in how you think. And so my choices now of how I think is I go for that positive loop cycle where I operate out of faith rather than operating out of fear. And when we do that, I'm telling you, tim, life changes forever for anyone.
Speaker 2:And if I can overcome the death of my son and overcome the breaking of my neck at C4 and 5, I guarantee you you could overcome staffing issues. You could overcome marital problems. You could overcome. You know issues with your children. You could overcome issues at work. You could overcome anything. You know issues with your children. You could overcome issues at work. You could overcome anything that comes your way. You just have to be taught how to ask the right questions, and that's what I do now. I teach people how to navigate some of the most terrifying and debilitating life issues that they're facing at that time with the confidence and the clarity to know how to navigate with purpose and how to navigate with passion and get to the place where you're on the other side. You're fulfilled and you're able to be a help and service to other people as they go through the same thing.
Speaker 1:Gosh, rick, you have um boy I don't know what to say right now because you have me almost in tears a few times. Then you have me angry with you, then you have me like wanting to shout with you and then back to like, oh, I'm going to cry, but you've hit on so many powerful things that I have also just gone through over the past I would say five years and, um God, I wish we had more time, cause we're getting close on time. But I want to tell you, is you know, I gave my life back to Jesus, I would say about two years ago now, prodigal son.
Speaker 1:Awesome and I went down such a dark path and you know to see where my life has come now compared to where it was.
Speaker 1:To me it's just a miracle and it shows me God's grace and his love and what he's done for all of us and how I felt like I was suffering and making so many bad decisions, went through a divorce and you know I was like, oh, my life is over. Like even to the point where, like you said, when you're dealing with PTSD and you know, we got to put this face on. When we go to work and be professional, we we show up. We show up for our brothers, our sisters in the fire service and we show up for the citizens that we serve, and then I can't show up for myself. It is like you're losing your mind and you can see where people go these down these dark paths, where it's like, hey, you know what, maybe I don't need to be here anymore. If I want to tell that, I want to say to anybody is that is such an absolute lie. You were fearfully, wonderfully made. You were here on this earth for a reason and you are so loved and you're so unique. We're all unique in our own ways and hearing your story is so similar. I think we've talked about this before.
Speaker 1:My father, my family, we lost my brother in a car accident in 2004. He was 18 and the same thing my. You know. I've never seen so much pain in my family, especially my parents. Yeah, it was life-changing for all of us, especially for them. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But to see what god has done in our family, because my parents still chose to put Christ in front of everything, even their pain, and to offer their pain and even be angry. It's almost like Job. We can have these angry prayers. It's totally okay. My prayers are way different than they used to be. I tell God exactly how I feel, even when I'm mad, but I'm telling him, I'm communicating with him, having that relationship. And now you see our family. We have eight nieces and nephews. I'm about to have my first kid. My parents have been married 42 years.
Speaker 1:You know, it's amazing how you know God doesn't waste anything. He doesn't. There's a purpose behind it and sometimes our pain leads us to a higher level of getting closer to him and trusting in him, and it's also a testimony to others. I mean just hearing you speak right now, so encouraging. I mean, my goodness, man, you've been through a lot, dude, even with your son, and it's like it brought back a lot of emotion for me. I'm trying to listen to you and not be emotional, but you know, I've been there, man. And Rick, I know a feeling you know. And Rick, I know a feeling you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you have experienced the loss at a level that many don't, and when you lose your brother. When my son lost his brother, it was like he lost his navigation, he lost his compass. I mean, it was his older brother, it was all he knew. It was the one guy that he could go to and talk to about anything and they were equals. They weren't oh, don't let mom you know it wasn't. You can't go and tell mom and dad everything, but you can go tell your brother just about anything and that's what he lost back to God. I think you nailed it.
Speaker 2:It's easy for us in those trying times, those moments of tribulation, where we could ask the wrong questions. You know the why me questions. We can become victimized in it. We can auger in, we could anesthetize those emotions with drug, alcohol, sex, whatever you want to anesthetize it with. But they're not going anywhere. They're always going to be there. It's just going to come up some other place in your life.
Speaker 2:And so, by looking at the positive side of things, here's the thing that is so fascinating to me Just by the mere fact that we are here and we're breathing and we have this beautiful blessing called life means that you were one in 400 trillion chance of survival. You made it out of all, all of them, all of them. You know all of those opportunities that were swimming upstream to be part of that fetus. You won. You were the number one. You did it out of everybody. So when you say we're fearfully and wonderfully made, that we're created in his image, that we have a purpose, we all have a purpose. But what life does is life does what it's supposed to do. It happens, and it's how we navigate it that determines where our focus will be. If life is happening to you, you become victimized. If life is happening for you, you don't have failure, you have feedback and you have the information you need. Now. Okay, now I can go this direction, and so that's all life is.
Speaker 2:And so if you're stuck in that negative loop, if you're stuck in that negative cycle where things are happening to you, you're not happy, you're not content, you don't, you know it's painful, you're suffering, then the reality is that you will seek all those things to validate that state of mind. So you'll start to seek it and it'll start to come back, and then it will validate that you're worthless, that you're useless. But God doesn't do that. He doesn't use that type of mentality. He says you got to overcome that fear and have faith in me, have faith that all things are possible and they work together for his good. It's okay to have that feeling that you're scared. It's okay to have that feeling that you're hurt, that you're anxious, but understanding that we've got to overcome that fear with faith.
Speaker 2:And when we do anything, anything can happen, including the miraculous. I didn't think I was going to be able to walk out of that hospital, but I knew my faith was in a position where, if it could be done, I'm going to put all the intention and all the action on everything that needs to be done to do it and then let the blessing happen. And it didn't take long before I could start to say hey, man, this is working, I'm actually moving my hands now, I can actually move my arms, I can actually move my foot, and I started to see things come back, slowly but surely. But even after all of it said and done, and you could experience that super high, that victory, it doesn't take much for the rubber band to go back down to its natural state and we lose the tension and before you know it, we're victimized again by life, and that's what happened to me. It happened to me again go from zero to hero in a way that I had never really experienced before.
Speaker 2:When you can take your mindset from that point of reference and start navigating your way out of it, on the other side of it there's so much hope, there's so much joy, there's so much peace, there's so much tranquility, there's so much excitement and anticipation for the life that you have left to live.
Speaker 2:Now I get to do that by bringing honor to my son, michael, by bringing honor to his name for what he sacrificed so that I could have the life that I now have, which is one that's totally free from pain and suffering. That keeps me in a victim mentality. And that's what this life is all about, and that's what I offer you and all your guests that hear this podcast, is that when you saddle up with the right people, you know when the student's ready, the teacher will appear. So when you're ready, the teacher will appear. And when that teacher appears, it's up to you to make a choice. And when that teacher appears, there's three levels of relationship. There's the first level, which it's all about me and we know those guys in the fire service all the self-centered ones that everything's about them, and I'm just going to make a funny joke here.
Speaker 1:They usually promote 100%, oh my gosh, 100%, it's always those guys, it's always those guys, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, hello, messy. And then there's that second level, which it's all about the win-win. You know 50-50. You know I'll make you, I'll scratch your back, you scratch my back, and it's all transactional, and that's the politics side of the fire service, it's all transactional. That's how we go into negotiations, that's how we find out which, which city council we're, we're, we're going to have in our corner. And you know we start to navigate through the win, win situation.
Speaker 2:But even in those two situations you have a lot of conflict. Because the minute we look at life and you know, wait a minute, we're not winning now, this isn't 50-50. You're not holding up your end of the bargain. We create this conflict and with self-centeredness we always have conflict. You're always fighting up against those.
Speaker 2:But there's the third step to the dimension of that relationship that I find most powerful, and that's the third step, which is your need is my need. So when we approach life with your need is my need, we go to the essence of who God is. And in the essence of who God is, he serves the needs of those who are hurting and suffering the most and I get to become an instrument in that healing process. That's all this is about. We become the essence of God's unity, his character, his love. We become servant leaders, in our crews, or on our crews, in our department, on our union boards, we start serving the needs of others because their needs are our needs, and that mind shift in and of itself, starts to develop a victorious mindset rather than a victim mindset. So for me, like you said, just that essence of going back to Christ, going back to God and who he was and what he represents is a is a huge mind shift, although I'm not a very religious man I don't go to church, I'm not, I'm not somebody who, uh, pretends to be religious.
Speaker 2:I've given up religiosity for the spirituality and the principles that are taught. And so when I go to church, I look at what you and I are doing right now is church when two or more are gathered in my name. There I am in their presence, and so every day I wake up with the mindset of I'm going to church today, lord, who can you put in my life that I can be of service to in their darkest moments? Or, lord, in my darkest moments, who can you put into my life to help me navigate? And that's how your need is. My need was born for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I would say I'm the same too, rick. I wouldn't say I attend church too much, but you know cause? I was raised in a very strict religious home and once, I you know, my life fell apart and I was on my knees and I was like Lord, I need your help, you know, and I kind of came to this realization and started reading the Bible and I understood that it's about a relationship. It's not about four walls and having the greatest worship band and some, you know, amazing, all the light shows, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, look, all that's great, but when it comes down to it, he just wants to get you.
Speaker 1:He wants that relationship. And once I learned of his relationship, it changed everything for me, because I always thought it was just rules and God's on the throne, right, waiting to just destroy you, you know, for your sin, and that's not it. He loves you, waiting to just destroy you for your sin, and that's not it. He loves all of us so much and a love that is unmatched by anything on this earth His grace. We can't even understand the depths and the width of his grace and what he's done for us. And once I gave my life back to him, man, and I really had that openness in the communication. I learned I didn't have to make this ritual of praying, like I just straight talk to him hey, dude, I don't like this right now. This is not cool, what's happening? Or, oh, this is great, thank you, like thanks for letting this happen. And um, and I started to learn, like where the Bible even tells us you know, lay everything on his feet, he wants to take it for you, he wants to help you. So when I started struggling, it's like I took the step and started getting therapy, but I also put it at Christ's feet, man, it was like overdrive hit and things started changing mentally.
Speaker 1:Physically, I was able to sleep, I didn't feel as down, I mean, man, and I just kept that communication open and we're to the point where it's like I'm praying daily, man, and it's not this weird thing where it's like oh Lord, and raising hands, like it's just not me. I'm not that type of person. To me it's deeper. I just sit there and talk while I'm driving. I talk to him, what's going on? Praying for my wife, praying for my child. Hey, I'm stressed out with this situation, you know. And so it's just changed.
Speaker 1:And what's great is I've come to realize so much is how much God loves us, that he gives us a second chance over and over and over and over, and that really, our time here is but a moment. It's like, as it says, but a vapor. We're here and gone. There's going to be a time where we're all going to meet the end, and I tell you what it's not going to be. How far did you promote? How much money is in your bank account, rick? I've never seen a U-Haul behind a hearse. Did you love me? He just wants your heart. That's the biggest thing I can say to people. But if anything, man, if people want to get a hold of you, how do they do that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can get a hold of me via email. My email address is rkconsulting292 at gmailcom. That's rkconsulting292 at gmailcom. You can reach out to me on Facebook at Rick Cheatham, or Instagram, ricky C-A-F-D that's R-I-C-K-Y-C-A-F-D. As in Anaheim fire department.
Speaker 1:Second best, I'm just kidding. First best, second best I got to throw a little jab in there, dude.
Speaker 2:You can only cause. You can throw it in there, that's okay. I love working with you guys. I love working with y'all.
Speaker 1:No, thank you so much, rick, for being so open, and I. Your story is amazing and, like you know, as you, so much, rick, for being so open. And your story is amazing and, like you know, as you know, our pain is not wasted. The Lord uses it for so many different things. I mean, I've been just so encouraged talking to you right now and I definitely want to have you back on because I feel like there's so much more to talk about.
Speaker 2:Oh, we can go. We can go down some rabbit holes, tim, if you want. I mean there's there's so much, there's so much out there that we could talk about when it comes to mindset and and how we process what's happening to us, and you know even just the work of God and how, how God works in our lives. I mean, I, I just hope your, your, your listeners know that God is never there to judge us or condemn us. He doesn't. He's not out, he's not a vengeful God, he's not out there with a checkbook. Ah, you screwed up here and you screwed up there, although we have a lot of people that look at God through that lens. But no, just remember, he's the God that got hung on a cross and he said forgive them, for they know not what they do. If there's anything into the character of God, it's that statement alone Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Speaker 2:He is a God of love, unconditionally. There are no situations where you could do something where he won't love you. He's going to give you the grace necessary to where you get through and understand that it was never about you to begin with. It was all about you becoming of service to him in a way that you serve other people and their needs, and that's my life. Now. I offer that service to other men who are struggling so that together we create a better place to live, not only in our home, but also in our fire stations. And not only in our fire stations but also in our departments, and not only in our departments but in our communities. Need is my need. We're going to see this world change in a way that we've yet to have happen, and it's going to be powerful. But it all starts where you stand. It all starts where you stand when you're faced with the consequences of an entirely you know a mass casualty event. Where do you start? You start where you stand.
Speaker 1:Right. You know what? I just sent this verse out to a couple of firemen who've been confiding in me, but I thought this was pretty good for you. Right now I want to end on this. It's in. I think this is definitely for you. It's Psalms 31, 24. It says be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.
Speaker 1:So Rick thank you so much for coming on, man. Man, I I'm just floored and blown away. Man I I'm going to recommend you to many other podcasts who would like to have you on. So let's do it. Keep your schedule open, but we want you back.
Speaker 1:I wish we had more time, but I appreciate it, but I do want to uh, I do want to pray for you before we leave. Okay, let's do it. Heavenly father, thank you for my friend rick and for having on the podcast. Lord, he's been through so much, but he's used it for good and for your glory. Father, continue to guide him and strengthen him and just thank you for his son's life, who was taken too soon, lord, and what you've done through that and how you don't waste anything and that you loved his son. You love him, you love his family. Father, continue to bless him, open doors and just continue to guide him. I'm so encouraged by Rick and what he's done, and, lord, let him touch more people In Jesus name, amen. Amen.
Speaker 2:Rick, thank you so much, man. Yeah, man, I'm glad we got this done. I'm glad we did it. That's awesome.
Speaker 1:We'll see you next time, dude. All right, brother.
Speaker 2:Take care, see you, brother, bye-bye.
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